anger as a weapon.

insanity, day 7.

so i'm backtracking just a tad bit. i had an extremely, extremely busy weekend this weekend - which involved me playing a show - pumpkin bombs and guinness cupcakes. get me drunk one day, and i'll tell you all about it. however - with my workout, i was able to somewhat stay on track. saturday was the 2nd plyo workout for the week - and i have to say, i am so blessed to have two support systems to get me through - my wife, of course... and our "adopted son", keenan. keenan thompson (no, not the guy from SNL/kenan and kel fame) is our friend that myself and my wife took under our wing. we have wrestling friends that we frequently watch WWE with, and keenan happened to be in that group. and for some reason...he just ended up clinging to us hahahahah. so keenan, myself, and chris did plyo early saturday morning.

i wish i took pictures. keenan was bringing it. it was interesting working out in our small ass apartment with 3 people. you think 2 big bitches is bad? add a third party. yikes. our neighbors hate the fuck out of us.

anyhoo. to keep my crazy weekend short - i played an awesome set at my studio. it was the first time with my band, and it felt absolutely amazing. the crowd was really into it - the energy was high...we had such a fantastic time.

then monday comes around. don't you hate that shit, when you have such an amazing time on the weekend and then you have to go back to reality? so not fair.

cardio power and resistance was today. what was really fucked up is that i had an issue earlier today...where one of my friends inadvertently pissed me the fuck off. there was absolutely no reason for me to be mad. the reasoning was so stupid, it's not even worth mentioning. it wasn't his fault - i haven't been working out in the morning recently, and i think it affects my mood. i get really angry over the dumbest shit when i don't work out.

but it doesn't change the fact that at the time, i was pissed. i felt like i wanted to punch a small child in the face. i was so angry that there was nothing that could have calmed me down.

so i took it out on my workout.

last week was shit, to say the least. and today, i was extremely tired - but i pushed through. the sad part is - when i'm happy and in a good mood, i don't push myself nearly as hard. it was still tough - i had to stop still. my endurance still isn't where it needs to be. i know it will come. but throughout all the self-conscious BS and the tiredness - my anger is what really pushed me through the workout. as i was doing my last few push-ups - i thought about all the feelings i had that day - anger, frustration, embarrassment...and i just pushed it into the ground. it was wild.

not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

the lord is testing me.

insanity, day 3/4.

today was pure cardio. i was supposed to do cardio recovery yesterday, but my body decided to give me the middle finger and say, "meredith, sit 'cho fat ass all the way down."

today was food day at work. ahh, dreaded food day - when someone's birthday or special milestone is being celebrated, and it gives the team an excuse to bring in the most fattening, disgusting delectables in the world. as it turns out - i love baking. so i took it upon myself to make guinness cupcakes. with homemade bailey's frosting.

originally meant to be a st. patty's one-time-only deal, these cupcakes were so delicious and so popular, that i've had several requests to make them again and again.

clearly - bad idea.

i had two of them, hence breaking my paleo-strict diet.

and two oreos.

they were delicious.


my willpower has been something that i've worked on for years. it's gotten better - but i still find myself giving into temptation, like today, for example. my mind is still set on this goal - but with each passing day, it seems harder and harder to reach.

but i can't change what happened. i can only move forward. thankfully, my pure cardio workout was after i ate, so i'm sure i burned a calorie. or 700.

christine has opted to do another round of insanity - she's actually doin it with me. i'm not sure what it is about people working out with me - but i ten to push harder.


i have my first show tomorrow. i'm stressed as fuck.

ouch.

insanity, day 2.

i've never hurt so bad in my effin' liiiiiife, y'all.

i had such a hard day today. my body is extremely sore and stiff. sitting down hurt. standing up hurt. sitting down and standing up hurt. everything hurrrt. i'm having a complete bitching moment right now.

the biggest thing for me was pushing through and getting through the next workout. chris and i did cardio strength and resistance together - and booooy, was that shit tough. but when that last bit hit - the power jacks, the moving push-ups, the sprints....i did them all. and i left no regrets.

and now i'm baking cupcakes. not for myself. lmao!

one day at a time.

i'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.....

insanity, day 1.


yeah, i know. i know what you're thinking. "meredith, where the HELL have you been?"

ugh. i thought i was doing so well with this blogging shit. i really did. so here's what happened in a nutshell:

throughout this workout/lifestyle change process, within the past couple of months i've grown tired. emotionally, physically, mentally drained and exhausted. it was showing in my performance - i was taking more breaks, i was having more cheat days, i started drinking again...etc. etc. etc. and my body was showing it. i just wasn't doing as much as i did 2 months ago. i stopped really caring. and no amount of compliments could pull me out of the funk i was in.

so i decided to take a week off of turbofire. i still ate properly, but i didn't work out. it was glorious. the only down side to it was that working out is a stress-reliever for me - so i found it more difficult to take on challenges at work and on the music front. i was angrier, especially when aunt flo decided to come visit and c-block me. if you know me, you know i anger easily. little shit was pissing me off. it was weird.

so - since i wasn't working out, i decided to take a little road trip. after practice, i got in my car one night and drove. i drove all niiiiiight, (and some of the morning) until i reached raleigh, nc. i drove down there to see my friend jeremy in this awesome play called "the brothers size". had a great time, got to see him and my friend jen floyd, then drove to bedford, va the next day to see my grandparents. in total - i drove 17 hours in three days. fuck. if i didn't think i was tired before, i was most certainly pooped then.

when i was with my grandparents, a couple of things hit me.

#1 - my grandfather, who raised me as his own and was the only father figure i had for years, is very, very, very sick. he has COPD and a number of other breathing issues. he's gained weight. his mobility is very limited. it was as if superman finally let the kryptonite catch up to him. it's hard to see him that way. i've looked up to my grandfather all of my life, and i've always known him to be the glue that holds our family together. such a strong man. and i got to witness him at his weakest. it didn't feel right.

#2 - i am so blessed to be able to have all of my - well, everything...to be able to work out and be mobile and do the things i need to do. i think of people like my grandfather - who were mobile at one point (my grandfather played all the sports you could think of coming up - basketball, football, etc. etc.), who are now sedentary and can't move even if they tried. i think of people who could be mobile if they wanted - but who choose to sit on their ass all day and stuff cheetos into their face. that's not living. i used to be that person...and i'm realizing very slowly that i'm not that lazy sonofabitch anymore. i have way too much shit going on to sit in front of my television and give up on my life.

so - i got my ass up that sunday morning and i did turbofire. fire 55 ez (ya know, gotta ease myself back into it). i used the TV in the living room, where my grandfather usually sits. it was the most amazing thing...he just sat there and made little funny comments like he always does (if you've had the pleasure of meeting my granddad, you know he is a ham. peanut gallery at its finest).

"they don't need to work out! they skinny enough!"
"well, grandpa - they work out so they can continue to look like that. they can't be sittin' around eating burgers all day."
"what they eat? more like spinach burgers. uh, uh.... cabbage burgers. what chu call those things? yeah, cabbage burgers."

and as my grandfather was sitting there watching my workout, taking his 1st of 2 breathing treatments for the day...he started working out with me! he was throwing punches and clapping when chalene would clap. i said, "grandpa - clap with me!" and he clapped. granted, his punches were weak - and he only clapped about 4 or 5 times before he was done, but he did it. it was the best thing ever seeing my grandpa do that. even at his weakest, he was still trying. and he would laugh. that familiar laugh i would always hear growing up.

it made me feel like i could do this again. i was so close to calling it quits. so tired of my body being sore - not being able to eat what i wanted...so tired of not seeing results.  all i want to do is make myself proud. make my grandpa proud.


...so during all this inspirational shit - my mom was sick the entire time i was down. and guess what i bring back from virginia? A SINUS INFECTION.

one more week out. had to leave work early. absolutely miserable and bedridden. had coworkers avoiding me like the plague. shit.


so all in all, i'm pissed. i have to start all over again. my tummy's starting to bulge again, my oprah flab is returning ("who wants a new CAAAAAARRRRRR?!?! *waves tricep fat*"), i've lost the definition in my arms and legs, i feel sluggish and bloated. yuck.

i have decided to drop turbofire for a while (you know i love you chalene, you my girl and all...but yo ass is sittin' on the sidelines.) so i have found a new lover - shaun t.

"yes, honey! shaun t is gonna get you in the best shape-uh yo life, guhh! *snap snap*" 

mhm, honey chil'. i have officially started insanity. 

took my fit test yesterday, and it was shit. so much shit, that i went into the bedroom and cut all the lights off and cried for a good two hours. i felt like a beached whale during my switch kicks. i couldn't do one push-up jack or one burpee - and i worked on my upper body SO MUCH these past few months. i had a really bad temper tantrum. then came out when chris was in the shower and ate a spoonful of nutella and drank some almond milk. it was that serious. i was depressed and discouraged, but i had to keep reminding myself that i'm starting over again, and it's gonna be rough the first week back.

today was plyometric cardio circuit, which, to beachbody enthusiasts, is the DVD from hell. (that's not official. i'm just assuming since it sucked/hurt so bad, that others must hate it as much as i do.) my body was sluggish and heavy and tired from not working out for two weeks. but i did it. and now my quads hate me. having to sit on the toilet was like dipping my thighs in acid. i forgot what it's like to be this sore. i'm now slowly remembering how much i hate it. lol

so my goal is to really track this shit, and track it right. i have a blogger app on my phone for a reason. even if no one else is reading this, it will be good for myself to keep track. 

insanity, day 2 tomorrow morning. cardio power and resistance. let's do this shit. 

shaun t kicked our asses.

pure cardio - insanity. done.

it's the little things.

this week hasn't been the best for me. i haven't really wanted to work out...i feel like i've been backtracking like crazy. i have a lot coming up that i have to take care of and i feel like i'm starting to fall back into old habits. which is not good. you would think with the changes i've been seeing, i'd be more prone to working out. but i haven't. i'm not sure what's going on with myself... i've just been extremely lethargic and unmotivated. this last week marks 3 months that i've been working out straight, without stopping more than 2 days. i am extremely happy and thrilled about that. i feel like what's happening now is what always eventually happens for me - i go for a while and then i quit. i'm not going to quit this time.

yesterday was a complete test of my willpower and motivation - and i completely failed lol. summerslam was on last night - and i had some friends over to watch it. we cooked things that we shouldn't have cooked - buffalo chicken dip, hot dogs wrapped in bacon... etc. it was a vegetarian's nightmare. of course there were drinks. we all had a good time - but i paid for it this morning. i felt like absolute garbage...i still feel like garbage as i'm typing this. i can't blame anyone but myself. all i want to do is sleep, and i can't. i feel absolutely despicable. i'm debating on whether i'm going to puke in an hour, or a few hours. because lord knows it's bound to happen.

the good thing is, though - is that i have started to notice tiny changes in my body. i haven't dropped the dress size i wanted to before my vacation, and i'm ok with that. shit happens. i have noticed, however, that i'm starting to gain definition in my arms, shoulders, and chest. my oprah flab isn't as prominent as it once was. (you know what i'm talking about, that fat in your tricep that hangs, and when you shake your arms it looks like you're about to fly away? yeah. that.) my booty is going in. my stomach (which is the most abhorred part of my body) has started to go in a little. my breasts have shrunk (i'm the least thrilled about that one). i'm also noticing that during my workouts, i'm able to go for longer periods of time without stopping. i'm jumping higher. i can go lower when i do push-ups. i'm doing more reps. the improvement is there, and i can feel it.

so after atlantic city? completely back on track. i'm going to be going through a mini-detox this week (no processed foods, lean meats, fruits and vegetables, good fats, etc.) to recover from this weekend. i'll unfortunately have to do the same thing after this weekend...but hey. i'm partying with my boys. it is what it is. after this weekend the focus is going to be put back on my music career, and losing this damn weight. i tend to shift back into my social life a little more than i should. old habits die hard.

so my tip of the day? don't beat yourself up for falling off track - just have a game plan to get things back in gear. and take pride in the little accomplishments. even if it's just "hey, i drank water all day today!", take that into account. 'cause it's the little things that are going to help you achieve that huge goal.

off the course.

this past week was exceptionally difficult for me. i have a lot going on, and it just feels like all i'm doing is backtracking.

i gained .6lbs back. which, usually, isn't a big deal. and the thing about it was, i wasn't surprised. i knew exactly what i did, and why the weight was gained back.

so that wedding i went to? pork/bbq buffet. and no, i didn't resist. should i have? probably. and i have no excuse. the problem with me is that when i eat bad food, it's like a snowball effect. once i have something bad, everything has to be bad afterwards. it was a huge downward spiral, and it's extremely hard for me to get out of it.

but, you know what? i'm not going to beat myself up over it...which is what i would have done in the past. i can already feel that my body's starting to react to the shit i put in it. i feel sluggish, bloated, my legs have been fucking killing me (as a result of all the alc i drank, no doubt)....so i really can't do this anymore. all i want to do is eat veggies and drink shakeology. i'm doing my best the next couple of weeks to eat extremely clean so i can give myself a boost. the goal is to be in the 220's by the middle of september. energy in, energy out. ugh.

this week is my turbo recovery week...a lot of stretching and ez cardio classes. i'm going to be doing the inferno plan before my trip to atlantic city in a couple of weeks (aaaaah!!! i can't waaaaait!!!), so i want to see if i can really dedicate to this strict diet regimen. it's only 5 days. i shouldn't be so much of a pussy.


oh - just an added treat for y'all to see how i really bring it when i'm ACTUALLY on track: