it's the little things.

this week hasn't been the best for me. i haven't really wanted to work out...i feel like i've been backtracking like crazy. i have a lot coming up that i have to take care of and i feel like i'm starting to fall back into old habits. which is not good. you would think with the changes i've been seeing, i'd be more prone to working out. but i haven't. i'm not sure what's going on with myself... i've just been extremely lethargic and unmotivated. this last week marks 3 months that i've been working out straight, without stopping more than 2 days. i am extremely happy and thrilled about that. i feel like what's happening now is what always eventually happens for me - i go for a while and then i quit. i'm not going to quit this time.

yesterday was a complete test of my willpower and motivation - and i completely failed lol. summerslam was on last night - and i had some friends over to watch it. we cooked things that we shouldn't have cooked - buffalo chicken dip, hot dogs wrapped in bacon... etc. it was a vegetarian's nightmare. of course there were drinks. we all had a good time - but i paid for it this morning. i felt like absolute garbage...i still feel like garbage as i'm typing this. i can't blame anyone but myself. all i want to do is sleep, and i can't. i feel absolutely despicable. i'm debating on whether i'm going to puke in an hour, or a few hours. because lord knows it's bound to happen.

the good thing is, though - is that i have started to notice tiny changes in my body. i haven't dropped the dress size i wanted to before my vacation, and i'm ok with that. shit happens. i have noticed, however, that i'm starting to gain definition in my arms, shoulders, and chest. my oprah flab isn't as prominent as it once was. (you know what i'm talking about, that fat in your tricep that hangs, and when you shake your arms it looks like you're about to fly away? yeah. that.) my booty is going in. my stomach (which is the most abhorred part of my body) has started to go in a little. my breasts have shrunk (i'm the least thrilled about that one). i'm also noticing that during my workouts, i'm able to go for longer periods of time without stopping. i'm jumping higher. i can go lower when i do push-ups. i'm doing more reps. the improvement is there, and i can feel it.

so after atlantic city? completely back on track. i'm going to be going through a mini-detox this week (no processed foods, lean meats, fruits and vegetables, good fats, etc.) to recover from this weekend. i'll unfortunately have to do the same thing after this weekend...but hey. i'm partying with my boys. it is what it is. after this weekend the focus is going to be put back on my music career, and losing this damn weight. i tend to shift back into my social life a little more than i should. old habits die hard.

so my tip of the day? don't beat yourself up for falling off track - just have a game plan to get things back in gear. and take pride in the little accomplishments. even if it's just "hey, i drank water all day today!", take that into account. 'cause it's the little things that are going to help you achieve that huge goal.

finding motivation in unlikely (people) places.

(edit: i started this blog a week ago, and never got around to finishing it. so some of this might be a tad out of date. my baaaaad.)

okay, so i've been slackinggggg. i'm sorry.

so, this week, i was supposed to do another vlog by now, and i just haven't been able to get around to doing it. my apologies. hey - at least i've been working out. i'd rather miss my blog than miss a turbo class haha. :D

i have great news! i weighed myself a couple of days ago and i am officially at 236.4!! that is 3 lbs down from last week. i am thrilled. i didn't really do anything different, other than be a little bit more strict about monitoring my caloric intake. my lose it! app will yell at me text me when i haven't tracked any meals. so it's not hard to remember, seeing as though i am attachedtomyphone.

a lot of things happened this week that were extremely positive. i will start with the music side first, to get it out of the way.

i had conversations with three men who i've looked up to for a very long time. last thursday, i had a conversation with myke terry, the former lead singer of bury your dead. myke is in this band called the silent age (you can check them here), and he's currently touring. i don't know the ins and outs of what happened with BYD (frankly, it's none of my fucking business), but i do know that it was exceptionally hard for myke to get back on his feet. myke and i are from the same hometown. i've seen him in his old band cassius, and i've seen him with bury your dead. we know each other through passing...we were never actually close (the closest i've ever felt to him is when he came to my apartment and raided all my alc that i was trying to get rid of the *first* go-around with this whole fitness thing lmao), but i've always admired his strength and vitality. and for someone like myke to get knocked down just to get back up again, makes me believe that this is entirely within my reach.

so on thursday, i texted myke to let him know how much of an inspiration he was to me. myke was extremely flattered and let me know that no matter what, i need to keep going. even if i'm trying to talk myself out of it, even if there are others who are telling me that i can't do it - KEEP GOOOIIIIIING (his actual words haha). one thing that really set in with me was when he pointed out that i had a great voice, and that the world needs to hear me and my story. it really meant a lot coming from someone like myke...and it's only pushing me to go harder.

i also spoke to justin and tito from saint diablo. went to go see them at a show in camp hill - they killed it. for those of you who don't know who saint diablo is, they're a local prog metal band from richmond/fredericksburg...do yourself a favor and check them out. thank me later. they've been around for a long time, and they've been a huge inspiration to me. tito (the lead singer) in particular... he's been through the whole weight loss thing and succeeded (he lost 64 lbs! go tito!!). tito and i had a very long conversation about music, family, and health. i won't go into the personal shit, but i will say that tito and i are very much alike when it comes to the fitness struggle. i always thought tito was the most confident dude in the world...and you never know what people go through.

so...enough with the music shit. i have practice today, and that's going well. i'll keep you updated.

last week, i began a turbofire/insanity hybrid. because clearly, i want to die. you know insanity, right? with fabulous *snap* shaun t? yeah. my body aches now just thinking about it.

i did my fit test last monday, and let me tell you...it was a huge wake-up call. i feel like i've been doing okay witj turbo...i felt myself getting stronger, i can feel my body changing, i'm able to do more....haaaaaa. well. i was sorely mistaken. my fit test was an epic fail.
there's video. i'll post it the beginning of next week. what a huge fucking gut check. my kicks were horrible, i felt like there were bricks in my calves every time i jumped... it was almost like my body said "giiiirl, what the hell is this shit?! sit yo fat ass down and eat a burger!"

ever since then i've done 3 insanity workouts. i have never had so much sweat on my body at one time. my shirt always ends up soaked. and i'm haunted by shaun t's voice yelling at me to push. but when it's over...(and it ends really quickly)...it's over. and i feel more accomplished than i've ever felt.

so the plan is to do turbofire in the morning, and insanity when i get home from work. 4 days a week (i rest on wednesdays), and the weekends i do one workout a day. ahhhhhh.

my tip of the day? share your story and your journey with others. let's face it, you didn't gain the weight on your own (remember those drinking binges with your friends and the constant sheetz runs?), and you're not gonna lose it by yourself. seek help and motivation - not only from yourself, but from the ones who want to see you succeed.

i'll have more about traveling and staying on track in a couple of days (i promise).

inspiration, part 2. (grudges)

happy 13th! (do i just post on holidays now?)

so i should probably introduce myself...

happy 4th! how you doin'?